Let me set the stage. My husband, whom I love and cherish and rely on as a partner in all things, has been working CRAZY hours! We really are a team and balance each other in the home and parenting. The past two weeks have been super busy for him at work meaning that he has worked less than a 12 hour day twice in the last two weeks. It also means he is home for less than an hour of our children's awake time pretty much every weekday. God has been so good in reminding me that His power is made perfect in my weakness and His grace is sufficient to carry me through each day (see previous post). Yesterday, apparently, I decided to let that fly out the window. By about 3 in the afternoon, when my daughter wanted to play outside again and my son took what get like the shortest nap ever, my anxiety hit an all time high. Nothing happened during the day that should have sent it skyrocketing this way and it hasn't been like this in YEARS! In high school I dealt with depression and anxiety. Nothing that required a diagnosis or treatment, but that caused me to miss a lot of school with unexplained stomach aches until we discovered what the problem was and that those were a symptom of adolescent depression and anxiety. As I matured in my relationship with the Lord, recognized my perfectionist tendencies and got out of high school, my struggles with anxiety and depression have started to seem like a distant memory. Yesterday though, man did it hit hard. All I wanted was to take a nap and hide in my kids' tent the rest of the day. I forgot yesterday afternoon, despite all of the reminders God has given me over the last week, that His grace is sufficient.
So, last night Kid #2 was in bed by the time my hubby got home and he got #1 to bed after they visited while he had dinner. He could see my stress and anxiety and sent me to take a bath and go to bed. I was so exhausted that I don't even remember falling asleep at least an hour and a half before I normally do. I was praying that God would help me remember to turn to Him tomorrow
In God's grace my son only woke up once last night (as opposed to the normal 3-4 times) and my daughter slept in her bed all night with no bad dreams. This morning when my son woke up and was cuddling and taking his bottle I opened to Matthew (what I am studying this semester at church) to read, not study, just read. In God's ever present goodness He didn't make me go far. 4 verses into the chapter I was reading about Jesus being tempted in the wilderness (man, does that feel like where I have been this week) He replies to Satan about FOOD (my eating was way off yesterday throughout the afternoon and evening when my anxiety hit) that "Man does not live by bread alone but by the word of God". This is nothing new! I know this! I memorized this verse over and over again growing up. But, yesterday in the midst of trial, I didn't turn to the Bread of Life, I tried to do t on my own and fell flat on my face. This morning I started where I need to, in the Word, and am posting this verse on my fridge front and center so that when every temptation hits (food, anxiety, and everything else that will get thrown in with the day, I will turn to the Word of the Lord, hidden in my heart and written on the pages to do battle. This is the Lord's day, not mine.
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